Blogbat: My Earth Day Pledge

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April 22, 2005

My Earth Day Pledge

This Earth Day I pledge to take a long road trip in an SUV which gets less than 9 miles to the gallon – on the freeway. In fact, I pledge it will be a Hummer I drive at unecologically-friendly speeds with the windows down and the A/C on full. Amenities include the passenger compartment decked out with loads of custom non-biodegradable materials - except for the genuine spotted owl leather interior, elephant tusk steering wheel and off-road grips and the white tiger glove compartment liner. It will also have a slight oil leak after I hit the deer coming back tonight. To make it a better trip and to further reduce gas mileage (thus helping to support my favorite big-oil guys Bush and Cheney), I plan to be towing a heavy trailer (either with an old two-stroke tuna/dolphin catching boat or a couple of cows, whichever offends our ozone goddess the most).

On Earth Day I pledge to take that road trip to the Earth Day festival, where we will leave more trash on the ground than you might find in the trailer home of a woman with 40 cats.

On Earth Day I pledge to leave all the lights on in the house along with the air conditioning as I open all the doors and windows and leave the seat up (I'm not sure why this is bad, but as a bachelor I have faint memories that somehow it might be). I pledge to toss all of my trash into one spot (like they do in China, India and Mexico), which would be either in my own back yard or along the US coasts and border crossings. (I know the Audubon Society won’t mind though since they don’t mind when the afore-mentioned three countries do it over there or over here).

On Earth Day I pledge to wear red instead of green since I value honesty above all else (and wearing both together might get me in hot water with the ACLU).

On Earth Day I pledge to buy things at the store only if they do not say, “New, environmentally-friendly package”. To be honest we all know this really means “we found a way to cut corners and gave you a smaller quantity in flimsy packaging at the same price and would like to make it sound good. We know that using the ‘environment’ to encourage the self-righteous who also happen to be the most easily duped is the best short-cut to stain-free corporate greed".

I plan lots of other things too. Such as buying 12 pounds of batteries at Sam's and only using them until they are about half-way discharged before tossing them out. Also, to show my creative side I'm printing out every single draft of this post presently being typed up in MS Word and will then shred each one, tossing the shreds into a large garbage bag and tossing that as yet partially-filled garbage bag into one of the dumps I mentioned earlier. In a little while I'll go outside by the pool to enjoy the sun carrying my favorite can of Raid to spray endangered insects while I tear open a new ozone aperture to finally see if the whole worldwide ecology really falls apart causing the earth to shift on its axis and us every one to the man to starve to death as Greenpeace says. Not the least of all however, I plan to cap off this perfect evening of defiling step-mother Earth in the most time-tested tradition: I shall nuke the moon!

Next Week: Mars Day

Cox & Forkum: Earth Day

UPDATE: Miss O'Hara's blog got her cue from the same Karl Rove memo as I did this morning

Posted by Martin at April 22, 2005 01:02 PM

Comments

Sorry about the multiple trackbacks! It was giving me an error message.

Posted by: Pink Kitty at April 22, 2005 01:38 PM

No problemo - servers can be that way sometimes :).

Posted by: Blogbat at April 22, 2005 01:42 PM